Diluted

Thoughts of me exemplified
All the little flaws I have denied
Forget today forget whatever happened
Everyday I see a little more of overall deficiencies 
I'm nothing short of being one complete catastrophe

The meaning of living.

When a young boy, I had a shoebox with a few silkworms and for a few weeks I took care of them everyday, feeding them and watching them grow. One sudden day I found a cocoon instead of one of the worms and shortly after there were no worms left. It ended with some moths emerging, which finally died in less than a week.

And it all ended up in the trash can.

This was, somehow, the first shock I had concerning life and living. I realized that the silkworm lives to eat and eats to live. This bug does nothing else beside eat and lay still. When it finally metamorphoses itself to became a somehow pretty moth, it's simply unablity to eat makes them starve to death.

Beside the usage mankind has given to the silk of which it's cocoon is made, these bugs have almost no purpose in life at all. And that was when I had the shock I spoke of, when I understood that the same happens with every single life form, not only with the silkworm.

A mom spread her legs and somehow we're put to this world without asking it. First, like the worms, we eat and sleep and cry to eat once again. Later, we begin to gain consciousness and develop the ability of learning, but we still eat and sleep... and play in the meantime. One day we're forced and put to school, to learn even more, and now our routine is to eat, sleep, play less and learn. Time goes by and although the routine changes a little, it's still based on the same principle. Eat to live, live to work, work to buy food to eat.

And one day we simply die, like the silkmoth. This is the only certainty we'll ever have in our entire life, that one day our body will end up laying cold. And a huge part of the knowledge we gathered in our entire life is lost. The experiences, either good or bad, memories, our personality... our know-how and life experience. Some were, somehow, passed to our offspring but... still lost.

I guess I had this first dark perception of life at the age of 7 or 8 and since then I make a huge effort not to think of it. I try to face life as a gift and to enjoy it the most I can.

Last night wasn't as outstanding as others, but I regret it's over, as I regret too many things in the past few months, things that are, were or could have been. Although still confused with my inner feelings, it was very good to see her face and hear her voice when I woke up this morning.

All this philosophy came from the fact that... I do miss her and I'm anxious to meet her again. Isn't this odd? Isn't the worst thing in the world when you like someone and to have to say goodbye after having a good time?

I keep my scars from prying eyes incapable of ever knowing why
Somebody breathe I've got to have an answer
Why am I so fascinated by bigger pictures better things?
But I don't care what you think
You'll never understand me